Friday, June 28, 2013

I always thought I'd be better at this mommy stuff.

I Thought I'd Be A Better Mommy

I really thought I'd be better at this mommy business than I am.  After all, I'm old.  I'm 38 and feel practically ancient to have small children.  I have come to terms with the fact that when my kids start school I'm going to be old enough to be the mother of most of their classmates moms.  I thought that with age came wisdom and patience.  Dammit, those things were supposed to come with age.  

I'm also a nurse.  Granted, I've never been a itty bitty baby nurse or even much of a small child nurse.  My areas of comfort were old wrinkly people, drug seekers, and all sorts of other adults that needed someone to give them drugs and help them to the bathroom.  Being a nurse has not given me some great insight into the health of my children.  I still take them to the pedi more than I should and when one of my boys had to get stitches I was a blubbering mess.  Being a nurse helps me because doctors do tend to take you seriously when you voice your opinion; especially if it's doctor's you know.  

And my boys love me.  Sometimes they love me so much I can't take a step backward without my butt ramming into some one's head.  They love me even when I've just screamed at them for dumping out the dog's food or taking the floor vents out and dropping who only knows what down them.  But there are times when I know I'm out of control and feel horrible about how Thing 2's face crumbles when I've hurt his feelings or when Thing 1 looks at me after he's thrown down whatever I'm about to take from him and says,"No spank me Mommy.  No spank me."  

I read all the mommy blogs and laugh until I cry.  Or sometimes I read the sweet little mommy sayings and cry over them.  I'm a bit of a crier.  I try to start each new day with the knowledge that it's just that - a new day.  I try to be a more gentle, kinder, mommy and not yell and scream on a daily basis.  I hope that I can get this mommy thing right and my kids aren't scared by my outbursts.

I didn't come into motherhood easily either.  There were 7 long, barren years of trying and failing.  Then a couple of years in which I had given up hope of ever being a mommy because I was tired of getting my heart broken every month by ovaries that just wouldn't get with the program and pop out something worthwhile.  The hubs and I worked hard for these wonderful little terrors we have.   I thought having to work so hard and for so long would make me a better mommy.  That I'd be more tolerant of the tantrum and the tempers; that I'd laugh off the sassy mouths and naughtiness.  Nope, I still have no tolerance for having to make the same request 20 times and being ignored until I scream it.  

So, I'm shall try to take it a day at a time and enjoy my children for who and what they are - which is two toddlers who are trying to get a feel for who they are.  I will tell myself daily that they are not small adults and their little brains are still developing and they have no clue the driving me batshit crazy.  They are 2 and they are mine and I love them.