Did I just say that?

Every mom out there has a list.  Of the things she can't believe she just said.  Things that she never dreamed she would ever have to say.  Things that don't make sense in a normal world, but seem to be the norm when you've got kids.

I, of course, have used more curse words since my kids have become mobile than I possibly used in my life up until that point - and I have a horrible potty mouth in the confines of my home or car.  There is something about the unwitnessed shattering of glass or shrieks of pain that call for an "Oh fuck."  But those words don't go on "the list." 

The List is for things you have to say to your kids because they are new to the whole being a person thing and don't know the proper etiquette or procedure to get through life.  Or sometimes, it's for things you say to them because they just don't know better and you are trying to save them some pain. 

I'm just going to throw some out there, I'd love to hear other peoples.

-Do not pinch your wiener with kitchen tongs.

- Get your foot out of the dog's water.

-Why did you dip your shoe in the dog water?

-Where did you find that donut?  No, do not eat it!

-Wipe boogers on mommy or daddy, don't eat them.

-Do not hit your brother in the head with a bucket.

-We don't touch poop.  No, just leave it on the floor,      
mommy will get it.  No, don't bring it to me; I will be there, let me get a wipe.

-Leave on your diaper!  

-Is there a diaper under those pants?  (This one was followed by Thing 2 pulling his pj's down so I could see his wiener and laughing as he ran away.)

-Put the carrots back in the fridge!  No, do not touch the eggs.  NO EGGS!  

-The closet is not for peeing.  

-We don't push our brother.  Do not push your brother when he is on the steps.  Why are you trying to kill your brother?

-Don't drink the water in the bath tub.  

-Where are your socks?  Why is there a sucker between your toes? (This one is always in the car.)

-Don't chase your brother with you mouth open. (And by open mouth I mean full on, bared teeth because I'm going to chomp you open.)